Learning Compassion

There was a time when I hated my humanity.  That sounds like a crazy statement, but it’s true.

I’ve always been a strong woman that gets things done.  It always came down to me being more stubborn and determined than whatever I came up against.  And there was a lot that I came up against.  My childhood was far from ideal overall.  There was abuse, trauma, and neglect to name a few things.  However, I was determined to live my life differently as I grew up and the only way I knew to make that happen was to keep moving forward.

That sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it?  And on the surface it is.  There’s great value in my ability to press on and accomplish things.  It means I can handle all the hard things life throws at me in one way or another and still achieve what I want or need to.

The problem with this approach is when it’s taken too far and I forget to account for humanity in myself or others.

That means when I struggle I would tell myself to suck it up and do the thing.  What I was sucking up was all of the emotions that I didn’t want to keep me from doing the thing.  This led to treating myself like a robot and created a lack of empathy for those around me who wanted to achieve something but couldn’t seem to get there.

“Do you find it easy or challenging to feel your emotions?  Do you embrace them or feel like they are a necessary evil you deal with?”

Looking back, this dynamic was very clear to me during the nine months I spent focused on losing weight in 2010.  I had tried things before, but couldn’t get the success I wanted.  So I decided to go all in and started counting calories and doing the 30-Day Shred Workout by Jillian Michaels six days a week.  It was an incredibly hard and painful transformation.  I can remember when I first started laying on the floor crying at the thought of doing the workout one more time.  However, I just sucked it up and did what I needed to get the result I wanted.

Let me stop and say that grit is a wonderful thing that I value in myself and others.  There are times when we need to press in and do the thing to get the results we want.  That in and of itself isn’t a bad thing.  However, when that’s the way you live and are constantly stuffing your emotions it becomes a problem.

Because I found success by pushing myself so hard, I struggled to be sensitive to those that wanted to succeed and couldn't seem to get there.  I knew the biggest obstacle I overcame wasn’t my body, but my mind.  I could clearly see that that is where they were stuck as well, but I just assumed they didn’t want it bad enough to go through the pain to get there...like I did. (I cringe a little when I write that because it is such a harsh perspective and lacks the compassion I have today.)

In the year that followed my successful weight loss, I started to return to the normal way I’d been doing things. I also started to struggle with my emotions in a way I never had before.  Being an emotional eater, you can guess what happened.  But starting to gain back the weight I fought so hard to lose was the least of my worries.

I began having panic attacks and struggles with anxiety for the first time in my life.

I felt like I was losing my mind.  I felt continually betrayed by my emotions because they were wildly out of control.  I tried to apply my grit to the problem, but it failed me.  The harder I tried to stuff all the emotions so I could get the things done the bigger they became.

“when that’s the way you live and are constantly stuffing your emotions it becomes a problem”

This was the point when I hated my humanity.  I hated my emotions.  And I was becoming disgusted with the weak version of myself I was becoming.  Honestly, I didn’t know what to do.  I had no experience with this kind of thing, yet I felt so vulnerable that I didn’t talk to anyone about it.

It was a lonely battle and one of the hardest I ever fought.  It took me a while to be able to put a name to what was happening within me, but it was so helpful once I did.  I began to read everything I could about anxiety and panic.  There wasn’t much beyond the “clinical” stuff at that time, but it gave me a good enough picture to know I had to stop fighting my emotions and humanity.

It was a long and painful journey that lasted almost 5 years, but it taught me one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned.  It taught me compassion for myself and others.  I learned how to accept and give grace to the vulnerable parts of myself.  I learned to not stuff all of my feelings and recognize that I was human.  I also began to see that I had no idea what was going on inside of others and that helped me to have compassion for them and their unseen struggles.

It’s been several years since I struggled with panic and anxiety as a normal way of life.  (That sentence fills me with such humble gratitude because, at one time, I thought my life was over and would always be at the whim of panic.) I have seen the return of my inner grit and now mix it with compassion as I go through my daily life.

There have been other hard things to deal with in the years following, mostly with the loss of several close loved ones.  However, my compassion only seems to grow.  I am now using it to create a life and business that’ll support the space and grace I need for my grit and humanity to work together.

It is also this journey and that compassion that fuel my desire to help others you and women on their own journeys.

What about you?  Do you find it easy or challenging to feel your emotions?  Do you embrace them or feel like they are a necessary evil you deal with?  Do you have compassion for yourself and others when there is a struggle?

On the journey with you,

Latisha